Healthy Sexuality by James E. McMinn M.D.
Healthy intimate relationships are good for mind, body, and spirit. Many studies have shown that people who are blessed with long term loving relationships are generally happier, healthier, and live longer. However, most of us find that it is not always easy to wake up on the sunny side of the bed every morning in our personal lives. Of all of the issues that couple struggle over, money and sex are probably the two most common causes of relationship discord. They can both bring us great joy, or if they are not going well, they can bring us serious misery, frustration, and stress. We’ll leave the discussion of money for another place and time. Today we’ll focus on intimate relationships.
There are many reasons to devote attention and energy to the intimate part of our relationships. Sexual intimacy is a basic biological need. It’s good for you, and your relationship in many ways. It decreases stress, boosts self-esteem, and nurtures relationships. It can relieve pain, improve sleep, and act as a natural anti-depressant. It may also boost the immune system, improve blood flow, lower blood pressure, and improves cardiac health. Finally, it brings you closer together as a couple, plus it’s fun and it feels good.
Despite all of these great positive effects of a satisfying sexually intimate relationship, lost libido and other sexual maladies are some of the most common complaints I hear in my practice. Those who can identify with these issues are in good company. About one third of American women are not interested in sex. 113 million Americans are living with the TINS syndrome ( Two Income- No Sex). The number one factor in quenching sexual desire is fatigue, followed by stress, poor communication, stale relationships, anxiety, medical problems, and lack of sleep. Other issues have to do with emotions, values, upbringing, self-image, health, and ultimately life balance. The tone of the relationship on a day to day basis also plays a significant role in the bedroom. A dishonoring relationship in our actions, words, and tone is bound to foster resentment and to chill the passion down below. I frequently hear a similar refrain: “he yells at me all day, and then wants to have sex at night. It just doesn’t work that way for me”.
Besides low interest, the other common areas of frequent concern for women are problems with arousal, orgasm, and painful sex. These are all multifactorial issues with physical, psychological, and social components. Not infrequently, there are also hormonal imbalances, which may also be major contributors to these problems. Certainly, testosterone is king for both men and women when it comes to libido, however adequate estrogen is also important for a woman’s sex drive. Similarly, if a woman has a hypothyroid condition, or adrenal fatigue, sex is going to be low on her priority list. Neurotransmitter dysfunction may also contribute to diminished sexuality. Frequently, but not in all cases, proper testing and balancing of these hormones with bio-identical supplementation may result in a significant improvement in these problems.
As it turns out, one of the most common sexual stressors of women is a frustration shared by their partners, i.e. problems such as early ejaculation, erectile dysfunction. Erectile dysfunction (ED) should be taken seriously. Although it may be due to benign causes such as performance anxiety, it may also be the canary in the coal mine signaling significant vascular problems elsewhere, such as the heart or brain. Low interest, or lack of sexual desire is also a problem for many men. The good news is that these problems are treatable in the vast majority of cases. There are many different techniques, and options for therapy. In most cases, where there is a will to improve the problem, there is a way.
In the end, it’s really more an issue of priorities than it is about sex organs. It’s about caring for each other more than caring for the leaky faucet, the ball game, or the TV show. The amount of enjoyment you get out of a sexual relationship depends on the amount of attention you put into it. It’s your birthright to have a healthy, satisfying, and fulfilling sexual relationship. There’s no reason to think that you have to give up this part of our life as we grow older. However, it doesn’t always come easy, and we definitely must deal proactively with intimacy problems. If we don’t address these issues, they are not going to go away on their own, and they’re probably going to get worse, leading ultimately to more dysfunction, frustration, and stress. Once a week becomes once a month, which insidiously becomes once a year. Before you know it, you’re just glorified roommates. If you don’t resolve to act, then you’re resolving not to act.
Finally, let me leave you with some practical tips. First, it’s all about balance. We need to attend to the pillars of health in order to live our overall life and our sexual life to the fullest. That means getting the proper nutrition, hydration, sleep, stress reduction, and exercise. Attention to these principles will bring our body, mind, and spirit into a state of balance. Only in this state can we realize our full potential in our lives and in our intimate relationships.
More specifically, make physical intimacy a priority in your life. Put it on the schedule if you need to. Commit to an agreed upon desired frequency of interactions and stick to it. Get away, or get a baby sitter. Learn to practice intimacy mindfulness. Learn to let go, and be in the moment, not worrying about the kids or the job. The amount of enjoyment you get out of a relationship depends on thought, energy, and creativity you put into it. Finally, if you’re having problems, get some professional help. See a counselor, or get your hormones checked, and oh yes, don’t forget to do your Kegels.
The sexiest organ of all is not the genitals or the breasts, it’s the brains. It all starts up top. Use this sexy organ to commit to a lifetime of intimacy. Then make it happen.